I'm back. Do you all still exist?

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I'm leaving this LJ account.

There are a lot of reasons. The summary:

1. I'm applying for a higher clearance.
2. I don't want to continue being the person this journal pictures.

That said, many of you have been wonderful friends, more than I deserve. Comment and I will happily add you on the new account. <3

Listen, I'm a little buzzed, so there's my disclaimer.

I am so goddamn tired of kind of wanting to die.

And I mean kind of: I don't plan to commit suicide, I just think about it all the time. Contemplate it. Jump in the river, step in front of a bus. Every time I see something that could kill me, I think about it, just for a minute. How would it feel to have the breath crushed out of you?

I am so tired of intrusive thoughts of cutting or hurting myself in general. My thoughts go something like this:

waking up is nice and slow/ guess you have to get ready for the bus/ check the schedule/ your stomach feels far too heavy/i love this song/ today will probably be pretty easy/ little cuts across your arms, just deep enough to bleed, you could press on them to reassure yourself of...something/ deep breath/ i wonder who i work with today/ you could have a pear for breakfast/ a pear and cereal, that would be so good/ and then throw it up/ because you can't keep that stuff inside/it's nice weather today/ the trees are pretty/ it's lucky about trees, air and stuff/ little slices across your back/ you could be so calm/ time to go to the bus stop/if it hit you would you die?/ should have checked the mail, oh well

It pisses me off because it's not like I ponder these things exclusively when upset. Of course, when I'm upset, it's more intense - but this is all the time. Interwoven with every other normal minute, millions of times over, in tiny fractions of seconds of every day. Half-consciously planning places to throw up, divising ways to hide or excuse the little marks you leave. Every single day, often as blinking, for a half a breath, staring down the barrel of your own self-disgust wondering, will i? will i? will i?

I am not going to kill myself, no. Let's be clear on that. I've done it in my head so many times that I am exhausted of the routine. It's white noise and I want peace.

I have a welt on the back of my hand from snapping it with a rubber band for a few hours, it took the tension out of the coil of my spine/brain/being at work. I wish I didn't need to hurt myself to feel calm. I wish I didn't need to be hungry to feel pretty. I wish I didn't need to throw up to feel in control.

I am a crazy self-obsessed maudlin asshat, but there it is.

I am not a safe place to leave your love or happiness, much as I'd like to tend to them - I'll just mess them up. I am unreliable in my relationship to you because I can't even handle my relationship to myself.

HELLO.

I'm still alive.

I got a MacBook; one good thing Army hard work has earned me.

I want to post a lot more, but

1. I'm still figuring this thing out.
2. I cannot in good conscience spend a day on the net with my apartment wrecked like it is.

Plus I've gotta buy a car and get into college or something. All this responsible, proactive bullshit.

But hello, to whoever's out there.

 

feeling: complacent
hearing: Mocean Worker - Express Yourself

 So. I'm back.

Five months is a long time.

In the first weeks basic training I thought I was trapped in a nonsensical alternate universe. I kept waiting to wake up from the dream, snap out of it. Many miles and light-years later, back on this side of the looking glass, now it's home that feels surreal. I'm still reeling from the vertigo. I've got nothing to say because there's simply too much to say. 

So here I am. 131 pounds. Tanner, stronger, faster, more patient, more detached, less frightened, less childish, and just as lost (and found) as ever.

Hello again. 

 17 Feb, 08

 I had some grander notions of what my last entry would be, but given the circumstances, well. This is kind of a shoddy goodbye, but bear with me.

 Boyfriend and I are okay; thank you to the people who asked and gave advice. We've put the subject behind us, I think. He's an understanding guy.

Getting addresses from you guys was interesting: some of you live much closer together than previously suspected. For instance, three of you live in Illinois and three/four others live in New York. I was going to make a map with dots, but I decided against flaunting my stalker tendencies any more than strictly necessary.  Also, I learned that Korean addresses are weirdly complicated and had to do some research to interpret the one I got, but! Super interesting nonetheless. To me. Anyway.

(By the way, apparently everyone on my flist has a really cool name. You all are soap opera stars.)

If anyone would like to leave an address but didn't yet, you can still comment a few entries down and I will get it (until monday night, anyway) but may not be able to respond.

A few of you asked these questions:

 1. What will your address be? I don't know, which is why I had to creepily ask for yours.  :/ But we will both find out eventually, I hope.

 2. Will they screen our mail? I've heard that's done randomly. In any case, I don't want to risk it, so please, please don't mention anything about eating disorders, SI, or other things that would suggest my mental fitness is questionable. I am happy to hear about you and how you're doing! Anything you feel inclined to talk about will make me super happy. But if you can be subtle about sensitive subjects, that keeps us both safer.

 3. Can I send you stuff? It's ridiculously sweet to be asked that. Receiving stuff is not forbidden, but is highly discouraged, especially food. ("You may eat the cookies you received if your platoon does 10 pushups for each one.") I'm also not allowed to have reading material that isn't strictly religious (outside of letters, of course.) I can't have my ipod or cell phone, so I can't text either. But I do love long letters! Long letters make me happy. :D

 4. How long until/how often will I hear from you? I'd say between two and six weeks, but I can't make any guesses about frequency. I hear they're going to keep me very busy. I'll try very hard, though!

 5. Where are you going? What the hell are you even doing? I'm going to boot camp followed by Military Police School for the Army at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. I'm set to return 27 July, but it's likely that it'll be more like the first week of August or so.

 So. There's that.

When it comes down to it, I find myself at loss for anything meaningful to say other than thank you to anybody reading this. Each of you has been a friend, a mentor, a therapist, or just occasional partner in silliness.  I hope at times I've been there for you, too.

:D Thank you. I'm gonna try my best to kick ass. 

Here is me trying on my CONFIDENCE FACE. :>


 

 
give me your address.

If you want me to write you a letter whilst I am gone. I leave in 5 days (19 Feb).

This is for everybody. Americans, Canadians, Scandinavians, Californians, Germans, Russians, Mexicans, Brits, Aussies (did I miss anyone?) ISRAELIS TOO MY BAD. <3

If we just met: even better! I am going to need all the connections I can get to the outside world. I will have no cell phone, internet, television, newspaper, etc. I am happy to write to anyone who will write me back.

If you are worried that I'm a psycho stalker, you can be comforted by the knowledge that it will be illegal for me to leave the base and escapees are apprehended none too gently.

All comments will be mega-screened!

 

hearing: coldplay

 
I forgot about this: I amused myself in the time spent without internet by mucking around in Photoshop.

These are the results. They're all altered versions of pictures I took with a cell phone. Noise Shore is what I called our place in the city; Skunderdump is where I live now.

1.

So it turns out I won't have the internet at the new apartment until the 11th of February. Tomorrow will be spent packing, the weekend will be spent drilling (.50 cal training, woo!) - so that means I have about 24 hours before I'm cut off from all you lovely people. D:  I'm gonna try to update at least once before then. Not that you all are hanging on my every sloppy word; it just helps me a lot. 

But how are you going to cope with no internet for like ten days, you ask? That's where you come in. In the form of:

the anonymous meme:

If you have anything at all to say to me, at me, or about me, say it here, now. I'll be gone, so I can't fight back! Anything at all. Good, bad, unrelated, or just to let me know you read. Post this meme in your journal and I will return the favor.